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[personal profile] brandi_speaks
Everyone needs something in life, be it love, happiness, money, sex, etc. The list of needs in this world are endless. My own list is just as long as anyone else’s, need to be loved, cared for, to be a good mother, to be able to provide for myself and my son, to write, etc. The list for me is just as endless as anyone else’s. Most people won’t admit to certain needs out of embarrassment or for fear of losing what they need when it is within their grasp. No one wants to be needy but he who is not needy is merely lying to himself.

I try to never lie, I may not always offer up every ounce of information or truth but if asked outright, I would never lie. So, here is the truth, besides everything listed prior to this statement now, I need to be needed. More than anything else out of my relationships with others, I need to be needed. Once I feel that I am no longer needed, I slowly cut all ties and walk away. I hate saying that as bluntly as this but it is true. Examples? Well, how much time have you got?

As of this moment, I have two actual friends. Two people that I can actually say are my friends. Sure I have acquaintances and co-workers and other ties that I would not say are quite as strong as those of friends. However, it came to my attention (quite recently as a matter of fact) that those that I call friends don’t need me.

Now, how do I know that? It is quite simple really, I shall explain. The one friend, well she has pretty much been doing without me these past few weeks as I have grown closer with the other friend. Granted she has made comments about this but she has not truly been bothered by it. What did she need me for before? Well, I was the one person that she could tell everything to and would never judge her. However, since she and I have been slowly drifting apart and she is less and less involved in my life and I hers, she has confided in others and they have shown no sign of judgment. The need is gone.

Now, the second? Well, this one is quite painful to admit but this is about the truth and about my need to walk away now. So, here goes nothing. He had seemed to need a friend. I don’t know why but he had seemed to have this loneliness in him. Not the kind that is caused by lack of friends or lack of those who care. The kind that is caused by hiding who you are inside. Maybe not all of you but parts of you. Why was I able to see this when others didn’t? Because I knew how it felt to be lonely like that. I knew how hard it was to hide parts of yourself from those who were closest to you. No matter the reason, it hurts.

I wanted nothing more than to help. To cure that loneliness in him. I am still not sure if I did that though. I do know that I came to need him more than I have ever needed anyone else in my life. But that wasn’t how this was supposed to work. I needed to be needed and instead I needed him. My problems have always been my own. Now, here I was pouring out my heart and soul to him every night for hours at a time. I have fixed more in my life in the time that I have known him than I have ever thought was possible. Why? Him. Simple. I needed to prove myself in a way known only to me. For reasons I myself wasn’t even certain of.

This should be a good thing but it isn’t. I don’t need people because everyone goes away in the end. So I choose to never need anyone and always go away first. Or give the other person a reason to walk away. This time, well this time seems to be quite different. I can usually start the process by distancing myself slowly. Yet I find myself making plans with this person as often as possible. Losing sleep talking to them almost every night and never minding that.

So, what do I do now? Eventually I will have to walk away for one reason or another. So, wouldn’t it be better to do it sooner rather than later? And why not now? He doesn’t need me, he never truly did. I did no good, or bad for that matter, in his life. That loneliness I saw in him was and is still there but it is something he handles on his own. He doesn’t allow others to help him. So, here is the real reason I am writing this.

I am trying to decide if I should move. And I am not talking, move to another house a little farther away. I am considering a new state altogether. This is not my only reason of course. However, this is a factor. I have many reasons to want to leave. Most of them are because I am running from my past; which I do know is impossible to do entirely. I do know that your past always catches up with you no matter how far you may run. So, with that argument, how can I count that as a reason to go? I can’t and I don’t. In all honesty, if I must be honest, I am running. Running from the one person that I can’t walk away from. That I can’t let go of and can’t help but need.

Is this my sole reason? No, but it is one of the main reasons and honestly it overrides any reason to stay. Now, could I be wrong in the choice to run? Yes, there is the possibility of that. Maybe he does need me and that would change things but, from what I can tell based off of his actions, he doesn’t. I know for a fact that no one else needs me and I have always been ok with that so long as one person needs me. Honestly, even if a million people needed me, it would not change the fact that the one person who has become more important than all of them does not.

I need to be needed and I am no longer needed here. Not by him or anyone else. Maybe somewhere else I will find others who need me and forget…

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brandi_speaks

November 2011

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