brandi_speaks: (Default)
[personal profile] brandi_speaks
Though the sun was bright, clouds soon threatened to overtake it. There is always a calm before the storm. I enter the building cautiously. He sits in the only chair. His briefcase sits on a makeshift desk that was once two crates of oranges. However, even in the empty environment, he still has an air of superiority about him.

I lean heavily against the door as I hang up my cell phone. He watches me as I stand there. “I won’t bite. Unless you want me to that is.”

I cross my arms behind my back and continue to watch him. He leans back in the chair with his hands behind his head. A smug smile touches his lips. “Afraid Isa? You do still owe me. What was it? 4?” He never stands, just sits and waits.

I know he will wait for me to come to him. He always does. He knows that I will come to him eventually. I always do. It’s like gravity. Undeniable. Uncontrollable. I wouldn’t have it any other way. “Not scared, no. Cautious? Always.”

The satin of my dress runs along my feet as I shift my weight. The neck plunges just a bit lower than is needed but it serves its purpose as his eyes run from my head to my toes and back again. I see the fury then. “I thought you went to the engagement party with him? Or did you decide not to?”

He is hopeful now. His trust in me is undeniable; it’s my ex-husband that he is not a fan of. “I went. This is what I wore. It was a very nice get-together.” I run a hand through my silken locks. The longest layer reaches to the top of my dress. “You don’t like it?”

His eyes glaze over as he watches in utter silence. In my mind, the laughter begins as we watch each other. I am fighting a losing battle here as I know he can outstare me. I hate it when he does that too. Though, to be fair, he has had much more practice than I. His hands clasp as he rests his elbows on the arms of the chair. He raises his right leg to rest on the makeshift desk. His eyes never falter, never drop.

I crumble under the scrutiny. I begin to pace the office, every roundabout bringing me just that much closer to him. My arms cross over my chest as I continue my way back and forth. He has this effect on me that is completely inexplicable. No one has ever bested me even half as much as he does. “I happen to like this dress thank you very much. It is not fair making me feel bad about it.” I stop my pacing and turn to face him. I am within reach of him now and can’t quite bring myself to back away.

His silence drags on. I quietly contemplate flipping his chair and walking out. Watching his feet go up and hearing his surprise. The door closing behind me as the breeze catches my hair and dress. Both items dancing around me.

That thought leaps out of my mind as I place my hands on either armrest. I stare into his eyes as he continues to silently debate whatever it is he does at these moments. “Say something. Please.” I raise my right hand to rest on his cheek. A smile touches my lips as the feel of him comforts me.

“You hate the dress.” It had been meant as a question but came out as a statement of fact. It is clear by the displeasure on his face that he hated it. Every fiber of my being regretted my wardrobe choice at this moment. I begin to move away from him. My right hand drops slowly, running down his cheek and falling onto his chest. His slow heartbeat only adding to my displeasure. My ex-husband had responded better to the dress than Nicholas did at this moment.

I stand upright, gathering my composure and what is left of my dignity. I turn and raise my right foot to step away from him. His sudden movement catches me off guard as I fall into his lap. His hand catches my wrist and turns me ever so slightly as he pulls me down to him. I look into his eyes, just as cold and dead as before. I am now trapped in between his legs as he closes them just enough to squeeze my thighs together. His hands hold me so that I am bent over him very uncomfortably.

“I love the dress, Isa. Just as you meant me to. What I wonder though is just how much Robert loved it. You know I hate when we are apart and you know that I hate when you’re with him.” His eyes remain the same. His face is unreadable. Though his words are everything I was hoping for; actions always speak louder than words.

I disentangle myself from him and begin to rise as his legs capture mine. His arms become steel as he locks his limbs around me. I just started a fight that I definitely could not finish. I look him in the eyes and open my mouth to speak the very words that could be my undoing.

“What if I don’t know that? What if I don’t know anything for sure anymore? Just last week I asked you to commit to me. Marry me. Do you remember what you said? Why an engagement was out of the question? I do. We have been together for two years now and it feels like we’ve known each other a lifetime. Yet here we sit. You still stalling and I am still the same fool.”

His arms loosen just enough for me to twist free. The bottom of my dress catches under his shoe and the seam begins to rip. The dress now split up to my thigh and my dignity just as shredded.

“What is it you want from me? Wait! Don’t tell me. Patience? One day at a time? Well, I am sick and tired of this fear of yours. This,” I gesture to my body, “means nothing to you. This is never enough for you. You’re afraid that planning will cause you to lose me? Well, I am sorry to say this but that was not the cause.”

I hadn’t come here with this in mind but two years was a long time. Especially for me. His fear was smothering me. It had taken hold of every aspect of my life now and I had absolutely nothing to show for it. As I neared the door I stopped suddenly. Never turning to him, my voice cracks. “I just need to know, did you ever love me Nick? Or was this all just one more hypothetical situation to you?”

“Isa…” His voice falters, he pauses for half a minute, and I have my answer.

“That’s what I thought. Take care of yourself Nick.”

My eyes begin to burn as my pain searches for an outlet. I need air, my body is shutting down as it becomes too much for me. My right hand closes into a fist as I shove the door open. My body shudders as the wind whips through me. A downpour starts and I am grateful. I begin to sob. The tears masquerading as rain, the rain taking pity on me. My pace picks up as I run for my car. My heel catches a puddle and I slip for a moment, catching myself quickly.

I reach for my car door as my left hand hits the button to unlock the doors. That tiny beep, my salvation. The car door is open and I never look back as I make my way inside. The engine roars to life as I turn the key. My mind never registering my actions. I pull away quickly and pray for a safe return home.

Never noticing the man in the rearview mirror, I depart. My sobbing continues as my vision is blurred by both my tears and the rain. I regret not turning on my radio as that ring tone begins. How can I decide what’s right? When you’re clouding up my mind. I can’t win your losing fight all the time. The screen is now consumed by his crooked half smile that I have grown to love over the years. The wind outside cuts me to the bone as I open the window just enough to rid myself of him.

I had walked away from him. I was tired of waiting. We were constantly arguing about the same thing. Our future together. I was sick of it. I wanted to plan. I understood why he didn’t want to but understanding and agreeing were two very different things. I couldn’t agree to this. I couldn’t commit to spending the rest of my life not committing to this man. I knew and I had always known. He was it for me. Now, the trick was convincing him of that and getting him to do something about it.

Profile

brandi_speaks: (Default)
brandi_speaks

November 2011

S M T W T F S
  12345
6789101112
13141516171819
20 212223242526
27282930   

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags

No cut tags
Page generated Sep. 26th, 2017 02:28 pm
Powered by Dreamwidth Studios