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[personal profile] brandi_speaks
She smiled silently to herself as she waited for him to arrive. She had hurt him deeply for many years and it had taken a lot for her to see what she was doing. The pain was indescribable and now that she knew he had fucked her, she finally understood how he had felt for all that time. The difference was that she would do something about it this time. This time would be the last time that she felt like this because of him. The last time she woke up nauseous, last time she spent most of the night thinking of him writhing in a naked passion with someone else, and the last time she died a little inside.

The sound of his footsteps approaching made her smile. Her eyes were a perfect reflection of the numbness that she now held inside in order to survive this newest betrayal. She felt that she must have been a glutton for punishment because it never failed, she set herself up to get hurt by him time and time again. The footsteps stopped and the tips of his shoes were within her line of vision. She sat on the only park bench that hadn’t been shit on by a number of birds or written on by rebellious youths. This was a now or never moment. She could say what she had come here to say and end this charade that caused her so much agony or she could suffer.

“It’s funny Jesse, I never thought you would figure out where I was. But I forget sometimes how well you know me.”

“It wasn’t hard Isa, I just had to remember where you said you kept going after everything went bad with us the last time.”

“Did you have to call then? I mean, if you knew for certain where I was then why call? Did you doubt yourself? Because to be honest, at this point, I don’t blame you if you did.”

“If you were just going to fight with me when I got here, you could have left before I arrived.”

“And let you off easy? Now, why would I do such a stupid thing?”

“I know I’ve hurt you. Not fighting about it is not letting me off easy, it’s truly not. I hate myself and feel guilty enough without this.”

“Do you have it in your head that you have some kind of control in this situation?”

Her eyes finally drift upwards towards his face. Their whole conversation to this point had been from her to his shoes and him to the top of her head. She laughed then, quite amused at his self-righteousness. He genuinely felt that he had some kind of right to be upset with her for being upset with him. And to think, some people think that there is nothing truly funny anymore. That it is all just played out. Boy were they wrong.

“I almost forgot how funny you are Jesse. You genuinely think that you have any rights at this point to make statements such as that. You know what though? You don’t. I may have done this exact thing to you time and again but you allowed it to happen. You never said a word about how you felt about it. Do you know why? Because you’re a coward. You are afraid to admit that you have any type of feelings at all. That you have any thoughts deeper than alcohol, cigarettes, and fucking. Well, that was your mistake but it definitely won’t be mine.”

“That may have been my mistake but I did that because I loved you. Still do to a point.”

“Well, not enough. But you know what? That’s ok because I already knew that. And you know what? I already knew that you would fuck her. That was why she wanted to hang out. She wanted to get laid and she could count on you to take care of that for her. Just like last time. She fucked you, borrowed money, and then mostly disappeared until she needed you again. Funny thing is, you and she are exactly the same. The only difference is that you do care a little. Just, I hate to sound redundant but, not enough.”

“That’s not what it’s like at all!”

“Then what is it like? Is this the part where you tell me that that isn’t how it happened? Is this the part where you tell me just how much she does care? Then answer me this, how often did you guys talk between the last time she used you and this time? Outside of work. Where she actually made an effort to call. Or when was the last time she told you just how much she cared outside of each instance? Funny thing is, I don’t need you to answer any of those questions, I know the answers already.”

“Isa…”

“I’m not done. I’m truly not and whether you want to have a serious conversation or not, whether you want to argue or not, this is happening.”

“No it isn’t. We weren’t dating, aren’t dating. Yes, I care about you. I do love you but that’s it. I never wanted to be with you again. I never agreed to try again. I…”

“If you let me finish, then you’d know that I agree with all of that. We aren’t together. We are fucking and we are friends. I had gotten confused along the way but I finally figured out why. You were the only one fucking other people. You were the only one completely emotionally detached from this whole situation. That was my mistake.”

She paused to prepare herself for what she was about to say. This was hard for her to do but she knew it had to be done. She knew that this was the only way to keep some part of what they had and to stop hurting as often as she was. This was the only solution. That was probably the saddest part of this whole situation too. She would have to regress and accept that the person she was before was just who she would have to always be in some aspects of her life to some degree.

“I would like to continue sleeping together because you are the only one who can make me feel the way that you do. The only one who kisses me like he could drown in the taste of me. But I will be sleeping with other people as well. That will keep me from getting attached to just one person. It will keep me from feeling this way again. You have been fucking me and fucking others. So, what is good for you is good for me. That is how this situation will work. The only way it will work.”

He opened his mouth to speak and she stood suddenly then. Her hand came to rest on his lips to silence him.

“I would still like us to hang out as friends. I am not saying that that is all we will be to each other. I’m saying that we keep our situation the only way that we can. Able and willing to possibly sleep together when we hang out but never being an obligation. We don’t have to and won’t do it each time but we will when we want to. Though it will change in one way. We won’t be shy about saying that that is what we want. No more beating around the bush or pretenses to go somewhere alone. Just honesty.”

“No.”

“I’m sorry did you think this was up for debate? You lost that right when you stuck your dick in her knowing full well what it would do to me. Now, I’m not going to force you to sleep with me but I figure that if you can be on call for her then why not for me? You get the same courtesy. You get to fuck me without any of those messy emotions to fuck everything up. And the best part, you also get to fuck any and every other person that you want to. I do believe that is one hell of a deal.”

“It isn’t.”

“Why is that? Look, the only part that is really negotiable at this point is whether or not we tell each other when we fuck someone else. Now, we can either go for full disclosure and honesty here. Or we can set up some kind of code. Very much like you did last time. ‘I’m out.’ I believe that is what you said at the time. So, we can do that. Just say that we are out and the other knows what is happening. Or we can just hide it from one another. I am more a fan of full disclosure but I would like you to weigh in on this one. Mind you, the rest of this particular agreement is non-negotiable so just let all of that go. Don’t even bother saying what you think other than to agree. This will save us both from emotional attachment and distress.”

He opened his mouth to speak and she silenced him once more.

“Now, I know that you are thinking of still arguing that we just stop fucking altogether or that we stop being friends in general but that won’t work. I don’t want to lose you as a friend. Truly I don’t. But if we stay friends, which we will once we get past this little speed bump, we will end up sleeping together at one point or another. Now, I am sorry if you took offense at the ‘on call’ comment but that isn’t meant to be taken the way you took it. I’m not going to hang out with you with only that on my mind. But let’s be honest, we have said time and again that we should stop sleeping together and yet we keep doing it. And I don’t want to stop kissing you either. So, let’s not lie to ourselves this time and say that we won’t fuck again ok?

Besides, it’s not like I’m asking for exclusivity again. I’m not that insane. I am merely saying that we acknowledge that we will almost always end up sleeping together at some point whether we say we will stop or not. So, we may as well not lie to ourselves. However, I am making sure that I guard myself from any pain that you may cause me by allowing myself to accept the freedom that you offer. Sleep together but be able to sleep with others without pain or recompense.”
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November 2011

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