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[personal profile] brandi_speaks
So, a friend asked me the other day why I don’t date. Well, maybe not that question in particular, but more so why I don’t go certain places or try certain sites to find a mate. I informed him that it was not a lack of prospective partners but more a lack of effort on my part. I would get to know the guys, I would say all the right things, and they would be interested enough to stick around and try to make something work. I just wouldn’t take that necessary step forward that would put us at relationship level.

I wish the reason were something as simple as them just not being my type or only wanting one thing from me but this is not the case. Granted, there are those few who want only that but I show them the door in no uncertain terms. However, there have been those few good guys. A teacher, a camera man, a paralegal. They have all been very sweet to me and never pushed too hard. They have also been very patient with me about my schedule and how often I put off seeing them.

The real question is why should I need to have a boyfriend right now? They won’t just be dating me but dating my life and my son as well. Could I ever truly trust someone enough to allow them into my life or my son’s life completely? And could I trust myself after that?

My friends have this view of me as a man-eater of sorts. They believe that I get bored with people and move on quickly. That I have too short of an attention span to be with someone. This is not the case. My last relationship was not ruined by boredom. I was scared. Scared of opening myself up to the possibility of love.

You see, my first relationship changed me. I wanted so badly to be everything for him. Everything that he could ever want and I did as I was told and when I didn’t I was punished. I kept my mouth shut about his treatment of me because I thought that all of it was my own fault. I thought that if I kept my mouth shut it would not only keep others safe but me as well. Besides, who would really believe me?

So, what I wonder is why in the world would I be good for anyone? Yes, I have learned from my mistakes and I don’t ever want to hurt anyone the way I did before. It’s just, how do you know that you won’t? The same fears are still there. Nothing else has changed except for me realizing what I was doing.

Besides, even if I have changed, do I want to be one of those moms? Who parade different men in and out of their child’s lives? Who, instead of being home with their child, go out every night or every other night? Time is precious and my time with my son is the most precious. I wouldn’t do anything to take even a second more away from that.

Lastly, if I was to date and I haven’t changed, where does that leave my son? How does that affect him? All he will ever know is unhealthy relationships and he will only be able to have unhealthy relationships as a result. He has been through enough with my divorce and our yo-yoing in and out of our family with his father. My two exes besides him. He has already lost two people that he connected with and he doesn’t have his father around as much as he would like. How many more does he need? How much more dysfunction must I subject him to to find my own happiness? It wouldn’t be fair. I won’t do that to him. I will wait until he is old enough to understand or he is off on his own in the world. Until then, I do have great friends and I do have a family that loves me in whatever way they can. That will just have to be enough.

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brandi_speaks

November 2011

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