Past

Jul. 25th, 2011 02:04 am
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[personal profile] brandi_speaks
"When you start to run away or hide your heart to avoid getting hurt, remember that a ship in the harbor is safe but that is not what ships are built for. Sail free, but keep tides and currents in mind. Live life, Brandi."

I had to laugh upon finding this again. I had dated this guy who used to write his name Toe Knee. He had “borrowed” my journal and had censored and edited it immensely. He had also written this for me because he thought that I was far too depressed for my own good. That I was scared of getting hurt. The funny part of this is that one of the reasons I was so scared to let anyone in was him.

I had let him in and he had hurt me immensely. He controlled everything about me from the clothes I wore to the music I listened to. I couldn’t listen to Tool or Perfect Circle. I couldn’t wear skirts or dresses. Shorts were ok if they were capris. If I refused to try recreational drugs he would get mad. I couldn’t read about Charles Manson because I “couldn’t possibly understand the genius that was Charles.”

I pose this question now, mostly to myself, how could someone give advice to not run away or hide your heart when their actions showed you how hazardous it was to open yourself up to someone? Every guy I have ever dated has taught me something and this one believed he taught me how to be strong. How to be an intelligent, strong woman. You know what though? All he taught me was that I’d be a fool to let someone into my heart again. That I would be a fool to ever trust again. And so, that is what I have been doing since him. Not trusting, not letting anyone know all of me. Until…

Everyone has a weakness. Everyone has that one person in their life that they can’t completely close themselves off from and recently I have found mine. So, I am beginning to wonder if Toe Knee knew that a day would come when I would find this journal and read this advice and realize that after all this time, it was finally relevant. That maybe it was finally safe to let that someone in, to let them see all of me, and be completely open and honest with them in every way possible.

The only problem is, I don’t think I know how and I am not quite sure that I could just forget twelve years of pain and betrayal. I’m not sure that anyone could ever get past that. I will admit that I can forgive anyone anything but deep down, where it truly counts, I never really do. On the outside I’m ok. I’m this strong person who is friends with everyone and has gotten past all the pain but inside I’m dying little by little.

I’m starting to think that all of that is changing though. That, whether I like it or not, I’m changing and I’m afraid of what may come of it. I’m also afraid of what may happen after this all goes away again. After I am betrayed once more or after the other shoe drops so to speak. I think that that is what I shall do, let myself change but all the while wait for the bad. It always comes. Because the stronger I get, the more I push away the people who have hurt me in the past. But what happens when this great influence in my life goes away? Or what happens when I have to willingly walk away? Who will I have then? What will I have to show for it all?

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November 2011

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